Nu, nu e cearta pe scara valorilor, nici pe scara prioritatilor. Este o cearta pe o scara mult mai prozaica. O cearta in scara blocului, o cearta intre vecini. Ce sa mai ne ascundem dupa deget, intre mine si vecina de sub mine.
Ne stim de o viata, dar nu am reusit niciodata sa fim prietene bune. In majoritatea timpului ne intelegem, dar sunt si multe momente in care ne certam ca la usa cortului. Culmea e ca tot cum zice ea tre sa facem. N-ai vazut asa ceva, dar de starea ei de spirit atarna, dom'le, frumusetea blocului. Musai sa fie ea vesela si nu mahnita. Si pe cuvantul meu daca-mi dau seama de ce. La o adica, lumea de la mine are asteptari si pe mine se bazeaza sa iau decizii cu privire la bloc, la intretinere si, deh, altele. Si din cauza ca de ea atarna, cum ziceam, trebuie sa tin cont de ea si parerile ei. Si are niste idei cateodata...ai zice ca nu e intreaga la.. hmm.. as zice acum 'la minte', dar nu pot, desi, pana la urma, asa e.
Ca sa ma credeti ca e nebuna, sa vedeti ca am tot dreptul sa ma cert cu ea, am sa va zic. Nu, stiu ca nu e frumos sa dai din casa, dar cateodata imi vine sa o dau afara in suturi.
Ieri. Ieri? Da, ieri, o vad iesind din casa in pijamale. O intreb unde se duce, imi zice peste umar ca se duce sa alerge in parc. Imi fac cruce cu ambele maini. Nici nu s-a gandit sa ma intrebe, sa-mi ceara parere. Adica, ce-o sa zica ceilalti din celelalte blocuri, despre noi? Ca suntem o casa de nebuni, aia o sa zica!
Sau. Mananca noaptea aiurea. I-a lasat o prietena un ou Kinder pe noptiera si l-a mancat la 11:25 noaptea! Cand am intrebat-o de ce mananca la ora asta ciocolata mi-a raspuns, stergandu-si colturile gurii cu limba, ca asa pofteste, dupa care a facut ochii mari si a intins mana dupa sticla de Cola. Sticla cumparata fara voia mea, evident. De cate zeci de ori i-am spus sa manance sanatos, degeaba.
Si are un obicei proooost. Ii lasa pe toti sa intre in bloc. Nu-i verifica niciodata de intentii, de ce daune ar putea aduce, de trecutul lor. Nu, dom'le, ea ii crede pe toti. Se uita cu ochii mari la ei si crede orice cuvintel i se zice. Nu invata niciodata. Uneori imi e mila de ea ca e asa de naiva. As vrea sa o ajut, va dati seama, ca doar un suflet avem, dar nu ma asculta. Plange uneori de imi pierd eu mintile incercand sa o linistesc.
E fraiera. I-am zis si in fata. Va ziceam, ii primeste pe toti, fete, baieti, caini si fluturi si pe toata casa scarii sunt poze cu ei si urme ca ne-au vizitat. Urme ce ajung pana la mine, la mansarda. Si doar i-am zis, sa-si tina vizitatorii doar pentru ea. Da' pe unde te uiti poze, bilete de tren, de autobuz, cabluri, sosete in dungi, ciuperci de lemn. Pe fiecare hol miroase a altceva, ba a liliac, ba a bumbac, ba a ariel, ba a primavara, ba a bebelus, ba a cartofi si se aud tot felul de melodii. Mai ceva ca la nebuni.
Mai fac eu curat din cand in cand, dar nu le arunc tot timpu' si ma trezesc ca le gaseste si le pune la loc de unde le-am luat. De fapt, de asta ne-am certat acuma. Venise, tot asa cineva in vizita. I-am zis de la inceput 'nu-i deschide', da' nu m-a ascultat. Nici nu stiu de ce-mi racesc gura cu ea. Serios. Evident, casa scarii s-a umplut din nou de mirosuri, melodii, cuvinte mazgalite ondulat pe toti peretii. Am incercat sa-i mai zic, dar ziceai ca e surda. De obicei, ma asculta si ori ma aproba si face cum vrea ea ori isi gaseste scuze, da' de data asta parca nici n-auzea. La un moment data nici nu i-am mai zis nimic, pt ca o vedeam asa de vesela si binedispusa. Pana intr-o zi cand, ajunsa acasa, am gasit usa sparta, luminile stinse si un curent sinistru de la geamu' larg deschis. Plangea ascunsa intr-un maldar de chestii, imi e si greu sa descriu, ca nu o inteleg, nu o inteleg. Am tras de ea cateva saptamani bune, sa o scot de acolo.
Acuma, imi era si mila de ea, da' stiam ca eu voi fi trasa la raspundere din toata afacera asta. Am spalat peretii impreuna, am aruncat tot ce am gasit si m-a lasat ea sa arunc, am alungat toata muzica si s-a linistit.
Incepusem sa ne intelegem chiar bine. Ma miram si eu de ea. Ea era vesela, eu multumita, blocu' arata bine, dar zilele trecute, vrand sa o invit la o cafea si o discutie, am intrat la ea in casa. Inca de cand am deschis usa, mirosuri si sunete mi-au inundat nasul si urechile. Si ce mi-a fost dat sa vad?? Tot ce aruncasem, sau crezusem ca aruncasem, era adunat acolo! A tresarit cand m-a vazut si a ascuns repede la spate o nenorocita bucata de cablu.
Intai am fost consternata. Nu-mi dadeam seama cum poate sa fie asa. Apoi m-am infuriat cumplit. Am strigat la ea. Am facut-o in toate felurile, de la naiva la nespus de inselatoare. Ea nu zicea nimic. Asta m-a infuriat si mai tare! Trebuie sa ai o explicatie, un motiv, un rationament, daca faci ceva! Ori ea, cand o intrebam, strigand, de ce mai tine toate porcariile alea imi raspundea tamp 'imi sunt dragi'. Nu am mai rezistat. Am legat-o de maini si de picioare si apoi am prins-o de calorifer. Nu a opus rezistenta, ca e bleaga. I-am pus si un calus in gura, sa nu o mai aud. Apoi, am facut o gramada din toate gunoaiele alea si am vrut sa le dau foc. Cand m-a vazut ce vreau sa fac, a inceput sa se zbata, dar nu avea nicio sansa sa scape din stransoare. S-a luptat cat s-a luptat, dar pana la urma a cedat si a inceput sa planga. Eu cautam de nebuna un chibrit sau ceva cu care sa dau foc, cand am vazut-o ca plange. I se adunau lacrimile la inceputul obrazului pana se faceau un strop mare, care apoi se rostogolea grabit pana jos, imprastiindu-se in mii de stropi micuti. I-am cautat privirea, era goala. Atunci, in secunda aia, ea de o parte, eu de cealalta, intre noi un maldar, un maldar de gunoaie pentru mine, un maldar de comori pentru ea, am realizat un lucru. Era cat pe ce sa o omor.
Am dezlegat-o. I-am inapoiat lucrurile si ea mi-a promis, stergandu-si nasul pe maneca, ca nu mai lasa pe nimeni in casa.
Am sa o cred, ce sa-i fac. Pana la urma, nu putem una fara cealalta. Fara mine, ea nu ar fi intreaga la cap si eu, eu as ramane fara inima.
Monday 14 February 2011
Sunday 31 May 2009
About study and faith
It's Friday evening and I don't want to talk about how much I hate the faculty and about the way some people are mocking at us, I don't want to talk about how sleepy I am, but I want to catch up with this week's time telling a revelation.
It didn't take place in the bathroom but it has to do with a chair. I'm talking about the piano chair. So, I was sitting on the piano chair and I was playing. I had taken up again Toccata and Fugue in d minor Bach, because it had been a long time since then and since Arad. And as in Arad I had prepared and played only the toccata I said I should start learning the fugue. I start playing and according to my good custom I play faster and faster and my fingers start babbling on the claviature.
I didn't give up and went forward as the tank toward the end of the piece. I' ve noticed a thing though, there was a segment which, in spite of outpacing the maximum legal speed limit, I managed to play impeccable. Weird! I play it again. Perfect!..hmm..aaaa, yesss! As I was preparing myself for Arad I had the ambition to prepare also the fugue but didn't succeed to study only a part of it. Guess which part? Aham, exactly this one. And then, that very moment, the revelation came. When you're in the midst of a trial, in order for your faith to have an effect, you should have 'studied' beforehand. And by this I mean small faith exercises or better said small dependence exercises. When I study scores I concentrate very much upon the scores and upon my fingers (so that they are in right place). Translating that, you look straight to God then to yourself and you see what is in the wrong place. Often I fail many times until I succeed to play three or four measures correctly. Even more, as I keep repeating them it seems to me that it sounds worse and worse, but I continue. In other words, the righteous falls 7 times and gets up. Perhaps the fifth or the sixth time he falls harder then the third time, but he gets up. Sometimes I need to stop and look only at the scores, see their sense, feel their pace, in the very same way you need quietness. You just shut up and listen to God..maybe it's only the wind blowing, or a wave splashing on your feet, don't necessarily expect to hear voices. Ah, something important: three years ago I wouldn't have been able to play the d minor fugue, I needed time and exercise to get here. The extraordinary part is that God knows when you are ready for a certain 'piece' and He will never give you something beyond 'the strength of your fingers'. Some passages sound good after the first or second try, but some need more exercise and sometimes I keep playing two measures until I'm sick of them, I repeat them so many times that I have the feeling I know them by heart and start looking only at my fingers. Do you know what happens then? I realise that I actually don't know them by heart and my whole exercise becomes a helter-skelter, and only because I didn't keep my eyes on the scores. Never take your look away from God, you only have the feeling that you know by heart. Ha ha, I remember now, smiling, of one of my customs from the time I was learning to play the recorder. I was about 7 years old when I started learning the notes and to whistle and trying to make it easier I was saying the notes in my mind, until I knew them by heart. My sister laughed. Coming back, 14 years later, I know realise with amazement, how well it is to remind promises read and experimented, in trials..maybe there are only a few words..'didn't I tell you..' or 'the one who will win' or 'nothing shall I want..'
Maybe it seems to you a small thing to pray that someone's nose won't run, or it seems an unimportant measure to pray to find the driving license and this would fall from the magazine you have last opened months ago, but this is how you manage to play the whole of a piece and how to have faith in great trials. In this way measure adds to measure and results a piece and then there will come a day, expected or un, when you take the scores and play. You play so awesome that you will have the feeling that the composer Himself stands next to you.
I re-declare my dependence..and it's good!
It didn't take place in the bathroom but it has to do with a chair. I'm talking about the piano chair. So, I was sitting on the piano chair and I was playing. I had taken up again Toccata and Fugue in d minor Bach, because it had been a long time since then and since Arad. And as in Arad I had prepared and played only the toccata I said I should start learning the fugue. I start playing and according to my good custom I play faster and faster and my fingers start babbling on the claviature.
I didn't give up and went forward as the tank toward the end of the piece. I' ve noticed a thing though, there was a segment which, in spite of outpacing the maximum legal speed limit, I managed to play impeccable. Weird! I play it again. Perfect!..hmm..aaaa, yesss! As I was preparing myself for Arad I had the ambition to prepare also the fugue but didn't succeed to study only a part of it. Guess which part? Aham, exactly this one. And then, that very moment, the revelation came. When you're in the midst of a trial, in order for your faith to have an effect, you should have 'studied' beforehand. And by this I mean small faith exercises or better said small dependence exercises. When I study scores I concentrate very much upon the scores and upon my fingers (so that they are in right place). Translating that, you look straight to God then to yourself and you see what is in the wrong place. Often I fail many times until I succeed to play three or four measures correctly. Even more, as I keep repeating them it seems to me that it sounds worse and worse, but I continue. In other words, the righteous falls 7 times and gets up. Perhaps the fifth or the sixth time he falls harder then the third time, but he gets up. Sometimes I need to stop and look only at the scores, see their sense, feel their pace, in the very same way you need quietness. You just shut up and listen to God..maybe it's only the wind blowing, or a wave splashing on your feet, don't necessarily expect to hear voices. Ah, something important: three years ago I wouldn't have been able to play the d minor fugue, I needed time and exercise to get here. The extraordinary part is that God knows when you are ready for a certain 'piece' and He will never give you something beyond 'the strength of your fingers'. Some passages sound good after the first or second try, but some need more exercise and sometimes I keep playing two measures until I'm sick of them, I repeat them so many times that I have the feeling I know them by heart and start looking only at my fingers. Do you know what happens then? I realise that I actually don't know them by heart and my whole exercise becomes a helter-skelter, and only because I didn't keep my eyes on the scores. Never take your look away from God, you only have the feeling that you know by heart. Ha ha, I remember now, smiling, of one of my customs from the time I was learning to play the recorder. I was about 7 years old when I started learning the notes and to whistle and trying to make it easier I was saying the notes in my mind, until I knew them by heart. My sister laughed. Coming back, 14 years later, I know realise with amazement, how well it is to remind promises read and experimented, in trials..maybe there are only a few words..'didn't I tell you..' or 'the one who will win' or 'nothing shall I want..'
Maybe it seems to you a small thing to pray that someone's nose won't run, or it seems an unimportant measure to pray to find the driving license and this would fall from the magazine you have last opened months ago, but this is how you manage to play the whole of a piece and how to have faith in great trials. In this way measure adds to measure and results a piece and then there will come a day, expected or un, when you take the scores and play. You play so awesome that you will have the feeling that the composer Himself stands next to you.
I re-declare my dependence..and it's good!
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